The Guild Application

Awhile back I decided to apply for a top-tier raiding gear in WoW. I had, more or less, maxed out my character pre-raiding and wanted to take the next step into the game.

Unfortunately, I took this opportunity to be brutally honest, and I’m pretty sure I left an entire guild of players bewildered and laughing hysterically . . . or emotionally damaged.

Nonetheless, I am going to share with you my actual application.

The names have been changed to protect the stupid.

Character Name: SnugglePants

Level: This is a stupid question, anyone applying to raid is going to be max level or is too stupid/lazy to join the guild. Or they are a friend of a friend or something and they are going to be recruited/let in the guild regardless of this pointless application.

Spec and Gear (please link your armory profile): wowarmory.com/SomeOtherDudesBetterGear

This part is also sort of pointless, when I’m not raiding, I’m PvPing . . . so my gear and spec (per the armory) is completely wrong. You have no way to find out by this application if my gear is good enough. Just to let you know, I’m in S4 MS Warrior gear and I only have Kara/Gruul’s tanking gear (and some ZA crap).

Crafting Professions: I’m a plate wearing tank, so naturally I have tailoring and herbalism, that’s the best combo right? Right!?!

Play time(s): Every 2nd Tuesday in the first week of every 13th month. That’s right I gave you a damn math problem, how do you like it?

Alt Characters: I wouldn’t tell you these, ever. I don’t want any of you creepy mofos stalking my ass around the game. Besides, if you know my alts, then you just whisper me every 15 minutes about raid shit when I just want to level my level 8 Blood Elf. So no, screw you, I’m not saying shit here.

Tell us about yourself: I’d rather not. The less we know about each other, the better, because in the long run you (or me) will probably do or say something so profoundly stupid or rude that some part of the other person dies inside and we are forced to carry the scar tissue for the rest of our lives.

Can you bring your own consumables/Can you afford repairs?: I could, but why would I when you’ll provide them. I mean, seriously, why should I spend time farming crap when I know you are going to have an extra 10 pots just in case someone forgets. I’m doing you a favor and letting you know ahead of time . . . I forgot.

What can you bring to the guild?: Finally, an honest question. You finally got to the point of this application process. It isn’t to get to know me, it isn’t to make friends, it isn’t anything more than what can I do for you. The answer: probably nothing that the other 20 applicants can’t do just as badly. That’s right, badly. I guarantee you idiots take someone with better gear and a better attitude and that motherfucker stands in the fire every god damn time. I’m not bringing anything to the guild. I’m using the guild to get shit for myself (namely gear and the experience), and anyone who says otherwise in their application is a liar, and you know it.

Do you know anyone in the guild?: I met the guild leader about a week ago. He seemed like a complete and utter douchebag, which usually means his raid guild is downing bosses left and right. So, based on that assumption and the fact that he was in the LFG channel asking for tanks, I decided to find your website and post my application.

Anything you want to add?: I have a list of questions for the guild. If I may:

How long does it take vent chat to devolve into sexual innuendos and racist slurs? (In minutes if applicable, or seconds if it is easier)

How many times a night will an officer or Guild Leader wipe the raid and blame it on someone else (lower in rank, of course), cursing them out publicly, before moving on and doing the same thing again?

What sort of fucked up loot rules do you idiots use? I assume it has something to do with people with no lives always getting the best loot while people who have actual sex with other real people get shit. That’s the usual loot system.

If I’m going to be treated like an employee at a second job, what is the pay like, what are the benefits of this job?

Signed,

Snugglepants

I was contacted by the Guild Leader and informed that: After careful consideration and debate, they decided to pass on my application, but wish me the best of luck elsewhere.

Yeah, whatever, fuck you, nerds.

Broken Trust

Broken trust can almost never be regained.

Now, I don’t know if this comic is a reflection on their real life because frankly they swap the two out all willy-nilly whenever they run out of ideas (which is often). However, I do know one thing. You will never trust her completely again. Ever. You simply won’t. There will always be that little bit of doubt in the back of your mind for the rest of your relationship, regardless of what she does to “regain” your trust. Best case scenario is that you finally learn to trust her enough for it to be mostly a non-issue. However, for the most part, you will never trust her again and she will know you don’t trust her.

You are better off just ending the relationship and moving on now, because this is going to end eventually and you are just dragging it on longer than it needs to be.

How is this related to video games? Nintendo.

I’m severing my relationship with Nintendo. I’m selling both my Wii and Gamecube and every game I own for both systems.

Why, you might ask?

Because Nintendo has lost my trust. They’ve lost my trust, my respect, and my money. It didn’t happen overnight, as if they cheated on me. No, it was a long, drawn-out process in selling me out for “casuals”, kids, and grandmas.

It all started with the Gamecube. The Gamecube was, really, a piece of shit system. But, I was willing to let that slide because it was Nintendo and they always make the best games (at the time, my best gaming memories came from the N64). I could overlook the graphic setbacks, the lower processing power, the weird little discs, and the retarded controllers for the games. I really could, and did. I owned more Gamecube games than by Xbox or my PS2 (at the time – eventually the PS2 won out). Sure, the Gamecube had plenty of crappy games (Super Mario Sunshine), but there were equally good ones (Metriod Prime).

I even enjoyed the DS. Yes, two screens was just a gimmick, but it was a fun gimmick and you made it work. Then, of course, the games are what drove the system. Nothing could compete with the DS library of awesome. I even played Cooking Mama for hours on end.

But then, Nintendo decided to expand its customer base. And by “expand” I mean “find a new one and fuck over the existing one”.

Enter . . . the Wii. The Wii was, at first, something really, really interesting. I admit, I thought it would revolutionize gaming by making it more interactive. I was sadly mistaken.

I have yet to find a game that controls better on the Wii (or even controls at all on the Wii) than on the PC, 360 or PS3. The controls are just one problem. I never got into the spirit of relearning 20 years of video gaming so that I could play remakes of old Nintendo games. I never enjoyed flailing my arms in the arm for hours trying to figure out just which special combination of movements the controller wanted me to do.

But that doesn’t matter because the Wii only has two fucking games. Two, Super Mario Galaxy – or as I call it “Carpal Tunnel Mario” - and Twilight Princess – or as I call it “Better on the Gamecube Zelda”. That’s it. The rest are either mindless “party” games that your parents would probably enjoy or remakes of old shit. Seriously, another Metriod? And, oh my god, it’s exactly the same as the last 2, how did you know that was exactly what I always wanted? Oh wait, it gets better? The controls fucking blow worse now than they did on the Gamecube? Happy day!

The games library for the Wii sucks. It doesn’t even compare to the PS3 library . . . and that library sucks. The only reason the 360 is in second place right now, is because of the games. Gears of War, Viva Pinata, Fable 2, Mass Effect, Bioshock, and all the cross platform games that they’ve “stolen” from being exclusive, namely the Final Fantasy franchise . . . and just about every other J-RPG release.

And now, the DS is getting a make-over. Let me translate the press release for the new DS.

“We are making a new DS so that we can charge you again for a system you already purchased. However, this one is slightly better, just a little bit. And to make sure you have to buy this shit again, all new games will only work on the new one. The games won’t look any better or play any better, but they’ll have a special “FUCK YOU” code it them that makes them only compatible with the new DS. In fact, why don’t you just sign over your paycheck to us now and then bend over so we can screw you in the ass at the same time.”

On top of that, the “new” Wii games . . . are more fucking remakes! Jesus fucking christ! Your big announcement is you added Wii controls to fucking Pikmin?!?!

So, after a long battle with my inner Nintendo demon who still has the smallest hope that the company will realize that it was gamers like me who paid their fucking bills for the past 15 years, I have decided to return Nintendo’s favor. I’m selling my Wii and buying 360 and PC games with the money.

The best part is that I can actually get more than retail for the fucking thing this holiday season on Ebay, so I’m actually going to make a damn profit from this whole messed up relationship. Of course, that profit will quickly be handed over to Microsoft and Valve via 360 games and Steam, but hey, at least I’m rid of that damned white box from hell.